Zen Jewish Humor

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The Cruise

Maxie Greenbaum was 87 years old, God bless him, and the Catskills were the farthest he ever traveled since he landed in this country 70 years ago. One day he decided that before he dropped dead, he should live a little. He decides he's going to take a vacation.

He takes out his bankbook and he sees he's got only $58.62. Oi! Not even enough for the mountains, even, but, Maxie sits down to read the travel section of the Daily News, because you just never know. Sure enough, a small ad says "Cruise to the Caribbean: Special Today. Just $58.62! Hurry. Space limited."

Well, Maxie is thrilled. He calls up the travel agent and finds out there's just one more place left and the boat is leaving in a half an hour. So, Maxie throws a few pairs of Bermuda shorts, his swimming trunks, some nose cream, sandals and socks into a valise and runs down to the travel agent's office.

When he gets there, the agent tells him. "You're just in time. The boat leaves any minute!" He takes Maxie by cab down to the dock. The taxi pulls up to the pier and a gigantic, bare-chested man with big muscles grabs Maxie out of the cab, throws his suitcase into the water, drags him down to the bottom of the ship, locks him up in chains, shoves a pair of oars into his hands, cracks a long, leather bullwhip at him and screams in his face, "Row! Row! Row!"

For seven days and seven nights, Maxie rows. Every time he slows down even a little, the man whips him. He doesn't even let Maxie sleep! On the eighth day, the ship pulls back into New York harbor. The man unchains Maxie and throws him out onto the dock where the travel agent is waiting for him.

"So, Mr. Greenbaum," he says, "how did you like your cruise?"

"I'll tell you...it wasn't bad, but you know, I've never been on a cruise before and I want to ask you... How much I should tip the whipper?"

Yeshiva University's new rowing team was the embarrassment of the entire sports department (which wasn't so hot to begin with!) They not only finish dead last in every competitio, but consistently cross the finish line many minutes, even hours, after their opponents. Finally, they send Goldfarb to spy on the top-rated Harvard Crew team, in the hopes of gaining some helpful insight. Lurking in the Cambridge boathouse, he watches the team practice in the Charles River. For an entire week he observes their methods.

Finally, he returns to New York, where his teammates gather anxiously to hear his information.

"I figured out their secret!" he tells them excitedly.

"Nu!? Tell us! Tell us!" demand his teammates, impatiently.

"They have eight guys rowing," he pronounces, authoritively."and only ONE guy yelling!!"

Two Beggars

Two beggars are sitting a few feet apart on a busy street in a notoriously anti-Semitic neighborhood. One has a sign which reads, "Please help a wounded war veteran." The other's sign reads, "Help a poor old Jew."

Hundreds of people pass by during the day. Just to spite the Jew and to show him how unwelcome he is, even those who would never ordinarily give money to a beggar, make a big showing of putting large sums of money into the war veteran's cup.

Finally, a good man passes by, gives money equally to both, and then says to the Jew: "Look, why don't you change your sign? I hate to say it, but people around here don't particularly like Jews. With a sign like that, in this neighborhood, you're never going to get a penny."

When he's out of earshot, the old Jew turns to the "veteran" one and says: "Gib a kik*, Moishe…look who's trying to teach US business..."

*Gib a kik: lit, "take a look." Means also, "Get a load of that…"

Marvin and the Guru

Marvin was a deeply spiritual man, a seeker of truth. He went to synagogue every week for years, but eventually realized his soul needed more than Judaism could give him. He tried Buddhism, Christianity, a wide assortment of New Age religions, but he still felt spiritually empty.

One day, he heard about a great guru living atop the highest mountain in India who had all the answers. He sold all his worldly possessions, bid goodbye to his friends and family, and headed east. Once on the subcontinent, he learned that the guru would agree to see only one person a year and that person would be allowed to ask only one question. There were many other truth-seekers ahead of Marvin, so he had to wait nearly twenty years to see the great man. During that time, he lived in poverty, at the base of the mountain begging and doing menial tasks. When his turn finally came, he made the perilous journey up the snow-covered mountain, and waited for a week in the freezing cold in front of a cave, until the guru emerged.

"What is your question, my son?" the guru asked.

Marvin had been rehearsing this for years, and said, "Oh, wise one… What is the meaning of life?"

"Life, my son," said the guru ponderously, "is a deep well."

Marvin's jaw dropped open. He could not control his shock and anger. He screamed at the guru, "'Life is a deep well?' That's it? I've given up everything I owned, abandoned my friends and family, spent years living in abject poverty, even lost my toes to frostbite getting up here, and that's the best you can do? 'Life is a deep well?!'"

The guru looks at him quizzically. "What? You mean it isn't?"

Richer than the Rothschilds

"You know, Moishe, if I were as rich as the Rothschilds, I'd be richer than the Rothschilds."

"Really? How do you figure that, Heshie?"

"Well, I'd do a little teaching on the side."

Momma's Ruggelach

Sid was lying on his deathbed. Marty, his oldest, was at his side. His wife, Leah was in the kitchen, baking her famous ruggelach. The delicious smell drifted from the kitchen to the bedroom. Sid takes Marty's hand and says to him, "Marty, be a good boy...go bring me one of Mama's ruggelach, I should die a happy man with that taste on my tongue..."

So, Marty, being a good boy, goes into the kitchen and reaches for a ruggelach from the plate. Before Marty can even touch it, Mama slaps his hand away.

"Don't touch those ruggelach!" she says to him.

"But Mama," says Marty, "It's for Papa. He only wants to have the taste of your baking on his lips when he dies."

"Get out of here!!" she scolds, shooing him out. "They're for the shiva*!"

shiva: the equivalent of a Jewish wake, but held after the funeral.

A Classy Lady

Esther Fishbein's husband, Morty, had a few good seasons in a row and finally the Fishbeins moved to a fancy, shmancy neighborhood. Being just a butcher's daughter from Brooklyn, Esther was hardly sophisticated, but she was desperate to fit in with her wealthy, high class neighbors.

Now that they could afford it, she was determined to become a real lady. She had her home decorated by the most exclusive designer and paid a fortune for genuine antique furniture. She took speech lessons to lose her Brooklyn accent. For a year, she went to finishing school to learn proper manners and behavior. Finally, Esther decides it's time to show off her new sophistication. But what would be the best way to prove to her fancy neighbors that she was, indeed, one of them? After all, she could hardly invite them to play Mah Johnng. One of her instructors suggests she host a formal tea. She could hire a few musicians to play chamber music; have an English butler serve the tea with little sandwiches. Esther could just picture it! A real swanky affair! So, she sends out printed announcements and invites the ladies to her home.

The day of the party arrives. Her home looks magnificent. The butler is serving. The chamber music is playing. Things are going very well. Esther is fitting right in. In fact, she's the life of the party.

One of the ladies remarks, "Oh! I do so love Beethoven! And Mozart! Don't you just love Mozart?" she asks Esther.

Esther is caught a little off guard. "Oh. Sure. Mozart. I love Mozart. In fact, I just ran into him last week on the A train out to Coney Island..."

Suddenly, conversations stops. The room becomes deathly quiet. The guests quickly make their excuses and leave one by one until Esther is alone with Morty.

Morty says, "I can't believe you did that, Esther! Three million dollars I spend on this house. Six thousand dollars I spend for you to go to finishing school! New clothes! Musicians! A butler! And you ruin it all by saying something like that? How could you be so stupid!? ... Everybody KNOWS the A train doesn't go to Coney Island!!!"

Down in Boca

Morty and Sylvia finally sell their big house on Long Island and move to fancy digs in Boca. They're on their way out to dinner, when Sylvia comes into the living room and asks her husband, "Darling, do you think this Chanel suit is OK, or should I wear my beaded Oscar de la Renta dress?"

Morty barely looks up from the TV and says indifferently "Wear whatever you like, darling. You look lovely in either."

Ten minutes later, she's back. "Should I wear my diamond earrings or the emerald and sapphire ones you bought me for my birthday?"

"Either one," he mumbles with growing impatience.

Soon she's back, modeling shoes. "Should I wear these Gucci sandals or the Ferragamos?"

"Enough already!" says Morty angrily, "If you don't get your act right now, we're going to miss the Early Bird Special!"

A Tragic Accident

Moishe Rabinowitz had such an accident! Moishe is ninety three years old and he doesn't move so fast. A couple days ago he was walking across Ocean Parkway and he got hit by taxi! Well, right away there's a big crowd. Everybody's pushing to see how he's doing. Somebody calls for an ambulance. Somebody else calls for a policeman. Another person calls for a priest.

The priest shows up first. He leans over Moishe, takes his hand and says to him, "Do you believe in the Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost?"

Moishe rolls his eyes and says "I'm laying here dying and he's asking me riddles!"

Another Tragic Accident

Poor Lipkowitz was hit by a crosstown bus, and lay in the middle of 57th Street, bruised and bleeding. Pedestrians ran to assist him. A kind woman takes off her sweater, rolls it up and gently lays it under his head.

"Are you comfortable?" she asks.

"I make a living."

The Salt Man Cometh

Last week, I went into Walbaums to buy some chicken livers and what a surprise! Not only did they NOT have chicken livers, but the entire meat department was filled with nothing but boxes of salt!

I walked around the store and everywhere I looked, salt. Boxes and boxes of salt. In the dairy case...salt. In the frozen food freezer...salt. At the deli...salt. Aisle after aisle of nothing but boxes and boxes of salt.

I go over to the manager and I say to him, "Pardon me, sir, but you seem to sell a lot of salt."

He says, "Me? Nah. I don't sell much salt. But the man who sells ME salt? Oi gevalt! Does HE sell salt!"

The New Jew at the Law Firm

Elliot Cohen was a very smart young man. After graduating top of his class at Columbia, he finished number one in his law school class at Harvard. With such sterling credentials, he applied for positions at only the best firms in the city. One of them, Sterling Forsythe & Blackburn, was the most notoriously WASPy law firm in town. In the hundred years they'd been in business, they'd never had a Jew on staff. But, the politically correct climate being what it was, they decided it was time they hired somebody Jewish, and certainly they couldn't do better than Elliot.

They called Elliot for an interview in their offices and all the partners were very impressed with him, so they decide to take him to lunch at the "21". While there, the partners meet up with some very important clients, who just happen to be the chairmen of the boards of some very big companies.

The men are all talking with each other but nobody is paying attention to Elliot. He can't even get a word in edgewise. Finally, he gets up and goes to the men's room. They don't even notice he's left the table.

While he's in the bathroom, who does Elliot bump into but the President of the United States! One thing about Elliot...he has a lot of chutzpah. He politely asks the President if he'll do him a big favor. He tells him the story of how these big machers* are ignoring him and asks if the President will just stop off at his table, pat him on the back and say "Hi, Cohen...How are you doing? Good to see you again."

The President generously agrees.

So, Elliot goes back to the table and sits down. Things are still the same. Nobody is paying attention to him. Ten minutes later, the President walks over to the table, steps over to Elliot, pats him on the back and says "Hey, Cohen...How are you doing? Good to see you!"

Elliot turns around to the President and says "Get lost! Can't you see I'm with some important people!"

*macher: big shot, mover and shaker

Abie's Revelation

Last year, Sadie's husband Abie was lying on his deathbed in Mt. Sinai Hospital. Every day, Sadie shlepped from Brooklyn to sit by Abie's side.

One night, Abie says to Sadie, "You know, Sadie...I've been thinking. Right after we got married, there was the Depression. I lost everything I had, but Sadie...you were with me. A few years later, after building back the business, I had that big fire in the warehouse and lost thousands of dollars, and Sadie...again, you were at my side. Then the IRS audited me and I had all those big problems with the government. They almost took away everything. But Sadie, through it all, you were at my side. When I had my first heart attack, Sadie...you were by my side every minute. When I had my second heart attack, again, Sadie, you never left me. And now here I am, going to die, and again, Sadie, you're with me. You know what I think, Sadie...?

You're a JINX!"

Mama to the Rescue

The other day, Sylvia's telephone rings at 8:30 in the morning. The minute she picks it up she hears, "Oi! Ma! Help! I need you! Both the kids have the measles and are crying upstairs. The Hadassah ladies are due at the house for lunch and the Frigidaire is broken and everything I made last night is spoiled. The car broke down so I can't even go to the supermarket! What am I going to do?"

"Don't worry, darling," Sylvia tells her. "You call the repairman. In the meantime, I'll take the bus to the Long Island Railroad, and come out to your house. I'll walk the two miles from the station. On the way, I'll stop off at Walbaum's and pick up a few things for lunch. I'll take care of the kids. Then I'll cook a nice lunch for the Hadassah ladies. I'll even make dinner for Barry."

"Who's Barry?" she asks.

"Barry...your husband. The lawyer," Sylvia says.

She says, "But, Ma, my husband is David. Is this 353-3889?"

"No," says Sylvia , "this is 353-3886."

There is a groan on the other end of the line. "Oi!! Does this mean you're not coming?!?!"

Pincus, the Dry Goods Salesman

Old man Pincus sold dry goods on the road. His territory was the deep South where they don't like Jews too much. Business was terrible. He couldn't catch a break.

One day, Pincus sees the buyer at one of the biggest chain stores in Alabama. The man is a notorious anti-Semite. Despite his obvious disdain, Pincus gives him his whole sales shpiel.

Finally, the redneck says to Pincus, "Fine, you little Jew bastard... you want an order? I'll buy your lousy goods. You can give me just enough fabric to reach from the tip of your nose to the end of your prick!" And he abruptly dismisses him from his office.

Three weeks later, the buyer is in his office and his assistant comes in. "Sir! That order you placed with that Jew is arriving...but, sir...there are hundreds of truckloads of goods...In fact, the trucks are backed up all the way up I-95 to Washington, D.C.! How many yards did you order?"

"Get me that stinking little Jew on the phone!" he screams. So the assistant calls Morty. The buyer grabs the phone and yells, "What the hell is going on here, you s.o.b! What did I order?"

"Well," says Pincus, "you asked for enough goods to reach from the end of my nose to the end of my prick."

"That's right! And where is the end of your nose?"

"On my face, of course."

"And where is the end of your prick?"

"In Russia!"

After many years of red tape, Mikhail was finally give an exit visa by the Russian government to emigrate to Israel, where he already had some family. Rules allowed that émigrés were allowed to take with them only what they could pack into a standard-size suitcase.

At the airport in Moscow, he was stopped by a spiteful customs official who was determined to give this Jew a hard time.

So Mikhail opened the case. The officer tore through all his pathetic belongings - tattered clothing, an old Bible, some family photos. Underneath it all, he found a heavy object wrapped in newspaper. Ahah! I'm going to get him now, he thought. He unwrapped the paper and found nothing more than a bust of Stalin.

"What is this, you ask me?" said Mikhail. "Don't ask 'What is this?' Instead you should ask 'Who is this?' This, comrade, is our magnificent leader, Joseph Stalin. I am leaving behind more important things, so I may take this with me, so that in my new home, I will have it to remind me of all the wonderful things this great men did and the splendid Soviet life I am leaving behind."

"You Jews are crazy!" said the customs man, carelessly throwing the statue into the bag. "Go on. Get out of here! We should be happy to see you go!"

Several hours later, Mikhail arrived in Israel, and there he was met by an Israeli customs official.

Once again Mikhail's luggage is thoroughly examined, and again, the customs official finds the bust of Stalin.

"What is this?" asks Mikhail indignantly. "Don't ask 'What is this?'. Better you should ask 'Who is this?' This, my friend, is that bastard, Stalin. I shlepped it all the way from Moscow to Israel, and I'm going to put it right next to my bed, so when I wake up in the morning, I will be reminded of all the suffering and misery this momzer* caused me my whole life. And every night before I go to sleep, I'm going to spit on him! Khha-ptooie!"

"You Russian Jews are all crazy!" the official laughs, and tosses the bust back into the luggage. "Go ahead! Welcome to Israel."

Mikhail's sister and her family meet him at the airport and bring him back to her home. Later that evening, his young nephew is sitting on the bed, watching him unpack. Carefully, Mikhail takes out the bust of Stalin and places it gently on the nightstand."

"Who is that?" Mikhail says with a sly smile. "Never mind 'Who is that?' Better you should ask 'What is that?' That, boychik, is five kilos of gold"

Katz ran into Finklestein on the Long Island Railroad one evening. Katz was crying, "Oi! Oi! Oi," in obvious pain.

"Let me tell you: My partner, who I trusted like a brother, just ran off with our secretary and the entire bank account. I had to declare bankruptcy. My daughter just married a goy. My mother in law moved in with us and she doesn't let me live. My wife is the world's biggest noodnik*, with the exception of her mother. My son joined the Hari Krishnas. And I have so many bills, I don't know how I'm going to pay them. But every night when I get home, I sit down in my chair and take off my shoes, and let me tell you, what a mechaiyah! I feel like a million bucks!"

A rabbi and a priest get into a car accident and it's a bad one. Both cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither cleric is hurt. After they crawl out of the remains of their cars, the rabbi sees the priest's collar and says, "So you're a priest. And I'm a rabbi. Just look at our cars. There's nothing left, but we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God. God must have meant that we should meet and become friends and live together in peace the rest of our days."

The priest replies, "I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God."

The rabbi continues, "And look at this. Here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of schnapps didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this and celebrate our good fortune."

He offers the bottle to the priest who willingly takes a few big swigs, and hands the bottle back to the rabbi. The rabbi takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap on, and hands it back to the priest.

The mother answers, "Because I didn't want my mouth to be full of food just in case you should call."

It was two days before Chanukah and Mr. Feldman, quite downcast, was trudging home. "Where will I get money to buy presents for the holiday?" he asked himself sadly, thinking of his wife and children. On the way, he passed a church, in front of which was a sign: "One Hundred Dollars Cash To Anyone Who Joins This Church Today!"

Here was the solution to Feldman's problem! He went in, joined, and was given the hundred dollars as the sign promised. That evening, at supper, he told his family how he had come by his sudden wealth. "And here's the hundred," he announced grandly, waving the money before them. "Darling," said his wife, "you remember that coat you promised me three years ago? Well it's on sale at Macy's."

"Only fifty dollars, and it's worth at least a hundred twenty five." Feldman peeled off five tens and gave them to her.

The son spoke up. "Pop, for a long time I've been saving up to buy one of those English bikes with ten gear shifts. I already have most of the money, but I need a little more."

"Daddy," said his teen age daughter, "next week our school is having the most important dance of the whole year. If I don't have a new dress, I'll simply die."

"Only twenty five dollars, Daddy dear." Feldman handed over the remaining twenty five dollars, leaned back and grinned.

"It never fails," he announced. "The minute we Gentiles have a little money, you Jews take it away from us!"

Eighty-nine year old Shloimie goes to the church, sits in the confessional and starts to tell the priest all about his new, 19-year-old girlfriend and all the depraved sexual things they've been doing with each other.

One night, Mollie and Izzy are sitting around the apartment and Mollie says "I think I'm going to go down to the corner and get myself an ice cream sundae."

"Forget it, Izzy. With your memory, you'll never remember what I want. I'll go myself."

"Don't be ridiculous! There's nothing wrong with my memory. Now tell me what you want."

"All right, all right. I want three scoops ice cream: cherry vanilla, chocolate chip and pistachio. I want colored sprinkles...not chocolate sprinkles ...Izzy...maybe you'd better write this down..."

"All right. I want hot fudge sauce. Wet walnuts...not dry walnuts. Two cherries...one on the chocolate chip and the other one on the pistachio....Izzy...you sure you got all this?"

"No. I want a banana sliced in half, across the sides and some toasted coconut on the top. Izzy, maybe you should repeat it back to me."

Two hours later, Izzy comes back upstairs carrying a paper bag. He gives it to Mollie. She opens it up and takes out a bagel!

"I knew it!" she says. "I knew it! I knew you would never get it right!" She looks at him accusatorily, and says, "So tell me...where's the cream cheese?"

While everybody else's business seemed to be thriving, Jake and Morty's ladies' dress business was so bad, they were on the verge of bankruptcy. They always seemed to be a couple of seasons behind the latest fashion trends. When they lost their biggest account, they knew the business was doomed. Unable to deal with the financial loss, Morty goes up to the roof of their building on 7th Avenue and throws himself off, peering into every other showroom on the way down. As he passes Jake's office on the third floor he calls to him, "Cutttttttttttt vellllllllvvvvvvvvveeeeetttttttt!!"

An old man is sitting at the back of a crowded bus, jam-packed with passengers. "Oi, am I thirsty…! Oiiiiii, ammmm IIIII thirsty…" he kvetches loudly. Ten, twenty, thirty minutes go by, and he's still complaining. Everyone on the bus can hear him and he's driving the other passengers crazy. Finally, somebody begs the bus driver to stop the bus so they can get this man a drink. They pull into a rest stop and somebody runs in and brings him a big bottle of water. He drinks the entire bottle without coming up for air. The bus pulls out and everybody breathes a sigh of relief. Suddenly, from the back seat, "Oi, was I thirsty. Oiiiiiiiiiii, wassssss IIIIIIII thirsty…"

A Jewish family needs to place their grandfather in a nursing home. All the Jewish facilities are completely full and the only place available
is in a Catholic home.

"It's wonderful. Everyone here is so courteous and respectful," says grandpa.

"We're so happy for you. We were worried that this might be the wrong place for you."

"Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the residents here," grandpa says with a big smile. "There's a musician here-he's 85 years
old. He hasn't played the violin in 20 years, and everyone still calls him "Maestro"! And there's a physician here -- 90 years old. He hasn't been practicing medicine for 25 years and everyone still calls him "Doctor"! And me, I haven't had sex for 30 years and they still call me 'the
Fucking Jew.'"

Little Scottie was a real handful. Nobody could control him. After two weeks in the second grade, his parents are called into school and notified that he is too wild and disruptive, and is being expelled.

Realizing that Scottie needs more personal attention, his parents enroll him in a private school. He lasts a week and a half, at which point, the tuition is returned with a request to find him another school.

Perhaps it was spiritual guidance that Scottie needed, so his folks took him to a famous yeshiva where he would receive both a secular and Jewish religious education. He was expelled after two days for putting a pork chop in the Rabbi's lunchbox.

Thinking that perhaps more discipline was in order, his parents send him to an exclusive military academy. It took four days for him to be court martialed. It was only through a lawyer's intervention that he wasn't put before a firing squad.

Oh, Scottie was a bad, bad boy. His parents were at their wits' end. Finally, their Italian neighbors suggested the local Catholic school. The nuns were tough, they told him. Perhaps they could whip him into shape. At first, his parents balked at the idea of sending their Jewish son to Catholic school, but they what other choices did they have? He'd already been kicked out of every school he'd attended. Finally, desperate, they relent.

One, two, three months go by. Scottie is getting wonderful grades and good reports from his teachers. His parents are thrilled but puzzled.

"Listen, Scottie, darling. We're thrilled that you're doing so well in school now, but we're curious. You got expelled from public school, private school, yeshiva and military school, and yet, you, a Jewish boy, is doing great in Catholic school. We'd just like to know what's caused this wonderful new attitude."

"Well," says Scottie, "When I saw that Jewish kid nailed up to that big cross, I know those nuns didn't fuck around!"

Two Jews are walking through a Black neighborhood late a night, when they notice two young men following them.

"Uh oh, Moishe. We'd better get out of here. There are two of them, and we're alone!"

Two partners from the shmata* business are on vacation in Puerto Rico. The flora is in wild bloom everywhere. A beautiful shrub of tropical flowers is growing beside the pool.

*shmata: rag. The shmata business is "the rag trade," i.e. clothing manufacturing.

A merchant bought a sack of dried apricots from a distributor, only to discover upon opening the bag that they had begun to spoil. He marched into the distributor's office and demanded his money back, but the man refused, claiming the apricots were fresh when he sold them.

The dispute escalated until finally, they called in the Rabbi to settle things once and for all. The Rabbi pours out the sack of dried fruit on the desk and carefully examines the contents. He picks up an apricot and pops it into his mouth, taking his time chewing. He nods. Then he eats another and shakes his head. And another and another, sometimes shaking his head, sometimes nodding, until the entire sack is almost empty.

Placing the last apricot into his mouth, he looks at both men and shrugs his shoulders. "How should I know? I'm a rabbi, not an apricot expert."

A frightening rumor was spreading like wildfire through a small Ukrainian village, at the turn of the century. Apparently, a young Christian girl had been found murdered. Knowing how anti-Semitic many of the local peasants were -- even with no evidence of who'd actually killed the girl -- the Jews logically feared horrible repercussions,. Perhaps even a pogrom. A huge crowd congregated in their small, simple synagogue. Ideas were flying around the room about the best way to ward off the inevitable revenge they both feared and had come to expect.

People were shouting, ideas were flying back and forth, when suddenly Abramowitz runs into the synagogue and makes a momentous announcement:

During the Middle Ages, there lived in Poland an important priest who was known to hate Jews. He was forever looking for ways to rid his province of them. Finally, he comes up with a plan. A religious debate! The priest himself would debate any Jew their community appointed, and they would argue which religion was better. But, knowing that Jews were very clever with words, he stipulated that the debate take place entire in sign language. If the Jews lost, they would be banished from the province forever. If they won, they would be allowed to live there under the protection of the Church. The debate would be in two weeks.

Naturally, all the Jews were distraught over this emerging situation. All were afraid to debate the priest, even the most learned rabbi in town. After all, if the priest stipulated that the debate take place in sign language, he must be a master of it, and how would they ever compete? Too much was at stake. No one was willing to stand up to the priest, for none of them wanted such a responsibility.

"Are you mishugah?" asks his wife. "What do you know of religious affairs? You sell pots and pans!"

"What choice do we have?" asks Hershele. "Nobody else is willing to do it, and if nobody does, we will lose and be forced to leave our homes. At least someone ought to make a show of it."

Finally, the afternoon of the debate arrives. The town square is packed with everyone from miles around; Catholics on one side, Jews on the other.

The priest momentously climbs up to the platform which has been especially built for this occasion. He is dressed in his finest robes. Hershel is wearing his torn work pants and stained shirt.

The debate begins with the priest stands up and with his finger, draws the shape of a big circle above his head.

The priest looks upset and there is a worried murmur throughout the Catholic spectators.

Now, the priest is sweating with worry. Could it be the Jew is winning this debate? What to do?

He pulls out a loaf of bread and a chalice of wine; then takes a sip of wine and tears off a piece of the bread and eats it. He steps back, smug and sure of himself.

Hershel steps to the front of the stage. He is holding an apple in his hand and takes a big bite.

The priest turns white as his robes, and finally concedes his loss. "You win," he said. "Let the Jews remain here under our protection."

There was a great uproar of joy from the Jewish contingent, as the priest walked off the stage. He was surrounded by his followers, who now wanted an interpretation of all that was said.

"Well, first I began by pointing out to the Jew that God is everywhere. He stamped his foot, reminding me that God was not in hell. I then designated the Holy Trinity by raising three fingers, but the Jew raised one finger to indicate that there is only one God, indivisible. Then I took out the wine and bread which represents the body and blood of our Savior, Jesus Christ. But then the Jew took a bite of his apple, reminding me of the original sin. That was it. I knew he had bested me."

On the other side of town, the Jews were celebrating, with Hershel the hero of the day.

"So, tell us, Hershel, what was the meaning of your debate? We didn't understand any of it."

"Well, when the priest pointed far away, meaning that we were going to have to get out of here and live elsewhere. No! I replied, and stamped my foot on the ground. Absolutely not! We're not going anywhere!

"Then he held up three fingers, telling me we have just three days to get out of here. I help up one finger, telling him not one single Jew was leaving this town!

Then, I think he got hungry because he took out his lunch, so I took out mine. And then he just gave up."

The Cohens were social climbers, and when their precious son, David, was being bar mitzvahed, they wanted something spectacular; the kind of party that nobody else had; something unique and extraordinary that would set tongues a-wagging. They consulted a party planner who suggested a Safari Bar Mitzvah. It was disgracefully expensive, but they'd be the talk of the town! Price be damned! They booked it!

On the appointed day, they herded all the party guests onto a chartered plane and flew them to Africa, where they were met by three smaller planes which took them further into the interior of the Dark Continent. There, they picked up guides, porters and cooks, and all the guests were herded into Land Rovers in which they rode for three days, sleeping in magnificently appointed tents set up by the porters each night. On the fourth day, the road all but disappeared into the jungle, and they were forced to get out and walk. Eighty people are tramping, single file, down a barely passable path, hacked, with large knives, out of the overgrown bush by their guides. Suddenly, the line stops moving. For two hours, they're just standing and waiting.

Finally, impatient, Cohen makes his way to the front of the line to speak to the lead guide.

A wealthy businessman wanted the most lavish, unique, memorable bar mitzvah for his son that money could buy. He'd already been to the Cohen's safari bar mitzvah (see previous joke) and realized there was little in this world that hadn't already been done. So he called NASA and arranged to have the space shuttle take the rabbi, his entire family, friends and business associates to the moon. Naturally, this was an affair the press wanted to cover. Reporters were rabidly waiting at the landing site for firsthand accounts from attendees.

Finally, a reporter says, "Everything was just OK? You don't seem very impressed. Was there a problem?"

Grandma shrugs her shoulders and says, "Personally, I didn't like the atmosphere."

Yetta's grown grandson was coming down to Florida to visit her and she had to give him directions:

"... When you come to the front door of the apartment complex, you'll see a big panel with buzzers. With your nose, you'll push the button for my apartment, 20B. I'll buzz you in. Turn to the right and, with your nose, press the elevator button. Then, you can use your nose again to press the button for the 20th floor. When you get off, make a left and I'm down the hall on the right. Kick the door a little and I'll come let you in."

"Grandma, I'm sure I can find it just fine, but tell me, why am I hitting all these buttons with my nose and kicking your door?"

"What, you mean, you're coming empty handed???"

A volcano erupts with a colossal explosion. Scientists predict that within three days, the ensuing giant tsunamis will flood the entire earth, and put all land under water.

The Pope appears on television and encourages everyone to accept Jesus Christ so at least their immortal souls will be saved.

The head Muslim imam also goes on TV to recommend that everybody immediately convert to Islam, so they may spend eternity with Allah.

The Dali Lama appears on TV and urges everyone to become Buddhist, so they may reach Nirvana.

The Chief Rabbi of Israel goes on national TV and says, "We have three days to learn how to live under water."

Katz was a very religious Jewish man. He prayed morning, noon and night, always in conversation with God. His next door neighbor was an atheist who never went to any church or synagogue. But the atheist was a good person. He was a successful business man with a beautiful wife, and two lovely, beautiful, smart children. They were all in perfect health.

Meanwhile, Katz's business was terrible. His wife's whining was constant and she seemed to be getting fatter and more demanding by the day. His son was a juvenile delinquent and his daughter was the town tramp. On top of this, Katz had eczema and a hacking cough that would not go away.

This, to Katz, was grossly unfair, so one day, when he was on his knees praying, he asked God, "Oh, Lord, I pray to You every day. I confess to You all my sins; ask for Your guidance in every aspect of my life, and yet my life is unbearable. Meanwhile, my neighbor who doesn't even believe in You, and certainly never prays, has everything a man could ask for. Why should this be?"

With that, the walls began to shake, the floor trembled and a booming voice came down from heaven:

Hymie Levine finally moves his family from their apartment in Brooklyn to a nice house into a Catholic neighborhood. Hymie's greatest pleasure is barbequing in his new backyard, which he does every night, weather permitting. On Friday evenings, the smell of roasting meat drives his Catholic neighbors crazy, because they're stuck eating fish. They decide the only solution is to convince Hymie to convert to Catholicism.

They plead with him. They beg him. Finally, they threaten him, and reluctantly, he agrees. So, they take him to the priest who sprinkles holy water on him and says: "Born a Jew; raised a Jew; now a Catholic."

The Catholics breath a collective sign of relief. No more temptation on Friday nights! Or so they think. The next Friday, the scent of grilling steaks wafts through the breeze, across the neighborhood sending the Catholics racing over to Hymie's place, to remind him of his promise not to eat meat on Fridays.

They arrive in his backyard only to find him standing over his grill, cooking a couple of large T-bone steaks. As he turns them over, he sprinkles water on them and says: "Born a cow; raised a cow; now a fish."

Yaakov was emigrating to Israel by boat. He is bringing with him seven refrigerators. Arriving in Haifa, he is stopped at the port by a customs official. "Sir, you are allowed to bring in only household appliances for your own personal use."

"These are for my own personal use," Yaakov explains. "I'm Orthodox, so I need one for milchig, one for fleischig, and one for parve.*"

"Fine," says the official. "But that's only three. It still doesn't explain seven."

"You're forgetting Passover," says Yaakov. "I also need milchig, fleischig, and parve for Pesach."

"OK. So now we're up to six. It still doesn't add up to seven," said the customs officer.

Yaakov says, "And, nu, what if once in a while I want to eat a little treyf*?"

During Passover, religious Jews use a completely different set of dishes. Kitchens must be thoroughly cleaned before Passover, lest any leftover "chomitz" (that which is not kosher for Passover) contaminate their Passover food. Some religious Jews actually have an extra kitchen for use only on Passover just to be extra sure their Passover foods are not mixed with everyday food.

"Sir, please just answer the question with no embellishments," yelled the frustrated D.A.. "I ask you again, How old are you!?"

The D.A. is very angry. The judge is also losing his patience. He instructs, "The witness will answer the question simply and plainly or be held in contempt of court!"

The defense lawyer rises and approached the bench. "Your Honor, I think I can resolve this. May I ask?"

*kaynahoreh: a superstitious word said to ward off evil spirits; used the way we might use "Thank God" in English.

"Reb," he tells him, "I don't know what to do. My wife and I have 6 children, plus her parents are living with us, and our house is so small, we're falling all over each other."

"Rabbi, that was terrible advice! If I thought it was bad before, now it's even worse!"

The man now knows better than to argue, so he brings in the goat. But the next week, he's back to the Rabbi.

"Listen, Rabbi. I'm sure you are very wise, but I just don't understand how this is helping us. We have no room to sit or stand or move in there! We're all ready to kill each other!"

Morrie runs into Bennie on 7th Avenue. Bennie looks great, although Morrie knows he's in serious financial trouble.

"All that worry was really wearing me out, so I hired somebody to worry for me."

Sam, 87, and Sol, 92, were sitting at the senior center one day when Sol suddenly looks at his watch, gets up and says, "I have to get right home!"

"Every day! Listen, I don't have time to talk about it now, but my secret is... pumpernickel bread," he said as he shuffles off.

As Sam was walking home later, he passed a bakery and wandered in. "Do you have any pumpernickel bread?" he asked the lady behind the counter.

Surprised at the request, the counter lady says "All of it?! It'll get hard!"

A learned Jewish man has a special visa to go from Pinsk to Moscow. He had just settled into his seat on the train when he is joined in the compartment by a nicely dressed young man.

"Hmmm," thought the scholar, examining his silent companion. "The boy clearly isn't a peasant, so he must be from the city. And if he's from the city, he must be Jewish, because after all, this is a Jewish city. But where could he possibly be going? I know for a fact that I'm the only Jew in the entire district who has permission to travel to Moscow."

Thinking about this, he suddenly remembers there is a small town not far from Moscow to which Jews can travel without a visa. That must be where he is going. But why would he be going there? There's not really any business for Jews there.

Ah, he must be going to visit someone. But who? There are only two Jewish families living in that town, the Goldsteins and the Berkowitz's. But everyone knew how nasty and crude the Goldsteins were. Nobody likes them. This man seems too refined to have anything to do with the Goldsteins. Must be visiting the Berkowitz's then. But why?

The Berkowitz's have two daughters, so perhaps he's one of their sons-in-law. If that's the case, which girl did he marry? Let's see, Hannah married a nice doctor from Budapest and Sadie just had a baby with that wealthy businessman from Odessa. He wouldn't have left her now, so it must be Hannah's husband. What was his name again? Ah, yes! Benjamin Cohen!

But if his family is from Budapest, with all the anti-Semitism there, they must have changed their name. Let's see, what is the Hungarian equivalent of Cohen?

With that, the scholar offers his hand to the young man and says, "Pleased to meet you, Dr. Kovacs."

The young man looks at the older gentleman, but knows he has never met him before. "Pleased to meet you, too, sir, but how did you know my name?"

Heshie Greenberg was a tad meshugah* and eventually was put in a mental hospital, where he insisted that as a religious Jew, he be served only kosher food.

The director argued and pleaded with him, for it would mean preparing Greenberg's food apart from the other food, and having the kitchen overseen by a rabbi. It would entail great trouble and expense for the hospital and they were resistant, but Greenberg was adamant. Finally, after the second week of Greenberg's hunger strike, the hospital relented.

Several weeks later, on a Saturday, the director noticed Greenberg deeply absorbed in a high stakes poker game, smoking a big, fat cigar.

"Excuse me, Mr. Greenberg," the director said, someone testily. "but I thought you were such a religious man that we had to prepare only kosher food for you, and how I see you smoking and gambling on your Sabbath? How do you account for this?"

A rescue party finally finds a Jewish man who's been shipwrecked on a deserted island for many years. They are amazed to see how industrious he's been. He's dug a well and constructed a complex system to bring running water to the sturdy house he's built from reeds, wood and leaves. He has domesticated some small animals and bred them for food. He's built a fishing raft from which he can catch nets full of fresh fish. The rescuers, however, are perplexed by two buildings, on opposite ends of the island.

Mrs. Rosenberg, a widow, decides to go on a cruise. Somewhere in the South Pacific, the ship goes down and Mrs. Rosenberg is shipwrecked on a small island. For three nights, she's alone and terrified, when a huge male gorilla jumps out of the bush and drags her back to his cave. For three weeks, he keeps her captive, raping her mercilessly day and night.

Finally, bloody and barely conscious, she's rescued by a search party who flies her by helicopter to a hospital in Hawaii. It's weeks before she's even able to speak again. Six months later, she's well enough to travel and returns to Brooklyn.

Max Kugel, a widower, was walking down on the Lower East Side one day, noticed a pet store, and thinking it would be nice to have pet to dispel some of his loneliness, he goes in. Although he'd been thinking more in terms of a cat or dog, he's fascinated by a beautiful green parrot who squawks in Yiddish, "Krrrrrrrrk….A guten tag! Vus machst du? Vilst epes koifin?" ("Good Day! How're you doing? Would you like to buy something?")

He'd never seen such a beautiful bird, nor had he ever heard a bird who spoke Yiddish.

"Krrrrrrrk! Vu den? Ich kuk ois vie ah shtummie?" ("What then? Do I look like a dummy?")

This was the most amazing creature Max had ever seen. He had to own it. And though it was one thousand dollars, Max gladly wrote a check and emptied his bank account.

The pet store owner give Max the bird in his cage, some food and toys, and Max headed home feeling happy for the first time since his wife died many years before.

That night, Max and the bird talked until the wee hours, in Yiddish, of their lives. Max told the bird about his growing up in Poland and coming to America as a child; of seeing the Statue of Liberty for the first time from the boat; of meeting his beautiful wife for the first time in Coney Island. The parrot told him of his life in the jungles of the Amazon and how he was captured and shipped in a crate to New York; how he'd lived in the pet store for many years and had always yearned to be free of the place. Max fed the parrot some sunflower seeds and stroked his feathery head. For the first time in years, both fell asleep feeling hopeful and content.

The next morning, upon awakening, Max put on his tfillin (prayer phylacteries) and said his morning prayers. The parrot was naturally curious and a very quick learner. Within a few days, he too was reciting the prayers along with Max. By now, Max thought of the parrot as a son, so he went to a tailor he knew and had a special yarmulke, a tallit, and set of tfillin custom made for the parrot. Each day they said their prayers together. Eventually, Max taught the bird every prayer in the Siddur (prayer book) and within six months, the parrot even knew how to daven*. He could daven the entire Torah. Sometimes, Max and the parrot would even discuss the Talmud.

Finally, the Jewish High Holidays arrived. Because there was no doubt in Max's mind that this bird was as Jewish as any member of the congregation, he brought the bird with him to services, perched on his shoulder. When they arrived, however, they were refused entry to the synagogue. There was a big to-do, and soon the Rabbi himself came to the door to tell Max to leave. Max, however, was adamant and explained how he'd taught the bird to daven.

Naturally, this caused a big stir through the congregation and before long, members of the synagogue were making wagers with Max that his bird couldn't daven, others that he couldn't speak Yiddish or Hebrew, others that he didn't understand the Torah. Max took all the bets, gleefully anticipating the giant pay off.

So, Max is allowed into shul with the parrot, and all eyes are upon them. Prayer after prayer is recited, but the usually very talkative bird makes nary a peep.

"Come on! Everybody's watching! I have a lot of money on this! Daven, already!"

After services, all the bets were totaled up and Max owed various members of the congregation close to eight thousand dollars! Where was he going to get the money? He was sick. He walked home, as depressed as he'd ever been, when suddenly, the parrot starts to sing a beautiful Yiddish song.

Max cannot control his anger. "You miserable bird! Because of you, I'm going to lose my life savings. Not only that, but it will take me years to pay off the rest of the debt. How could you do this to me? After I cared for you, taught you Hebrew, had your tallit and yarmulke specially made! I thought you were my friend, but how, how could you do this to me!!?"

"Don't be a schmuck, Max," said the parrot. "Just think of the odds we'll get on Yom Kippur!"

A man walks into synagogue with a huge dog. The caretaker stops him at the door.

"I'm sorry, sir, but this is a House of Worship! You can't bring a dog into a synagogue."

"I'm serious. Watch this." And with that, the man takes out a special yarmulke (with ear holes) and puts it on the dog. He places a specially-made doggie tallit on the dog's shoulders. Then he commands, '"Moishe! Daven!"

"Woof!" says the dog, stands up on his hind legs, and in a beautiful voice, begins to daven.

"That's the most incredible thing I've ever seen!" says the caretaker. "Truly amazing. With a voice like that, he could be a cantor!"

A man reads an ad in the newspaper, "Talking Dog for Sale, $10." Amazed, he calls the owner, Abe Fishman, an elderly Jewish man, and asks if he can come see the dog for himself.

So, the man goes to Abe's house and Abe directs him out to the dog house in the backyard, where he finds an old mutt, sleeping in the sun. Curiously, feeling almost foolish, the man says to the dog, "Is it true you talk?"

"Sure I talk!" says the dog. "In fact, I'm the world's only talking dog, and I'm pretty famous, too. When I was just a puppy, Abe discovered my abilities and enlisted me in the police Canine Ccorps. Because I was able to go into places where regular officers couldn't go and gather important information, I was instrumental in breaking dozens of major cases. Soon, the FBI heard about my abilities and drafted me from the police, and put me on their cases -- drug trafficking, kidnapping, murder -- all kinds of cases. I once saved the lives of several agents, and won plenty of awards. Eventually, the CIA recruited me and I worked undercover for them for yeras. They sent me all over the world to break cases involving international terrorist rings, drug cartels, espionage cases. Finally, I gave up the life of a spy and semi-retired. I did a little dinner theater...even played Hamlet in Summerstock. But now I'm old, and all I want to do is lie in the sun and enjoy whatever time I have left."

As you might imagine, the man is incredibly impressed and goes back to Abe. "That's some amazing dog, you have there!" he says.

"Because," says Abe, exasperated, "EVERY DAMN WORD OUT OF HIS MOUTH IS A LIE!"

It's the first day of school for a little Jewish boy. His mother is beside herself with worry.

"So, bubbelah, you'll promise me you'll be a good boy in school? Bubbelah, you'll listen to the teacher and play nice with the other children? And bubbelah, remember not to run in the street, God forbid you should get run over by a truck. And, bubbelah, when it's time to come home, you'll remember to bring your hat and your gloves and button up your coat. Oi, bubbelah, I'm so proud of you, I'm kvelling."

The boy finally manages to squirm away from his mother and off he goes to school bus.

At 3:00 he returns home to find his mother waiting anxiously at the front door.

"So, nu, bubbelah, did you have a nice time at school? Was your teacher nice, bubbelah? Did you make new friends? Tell me, bubbelah, what did you learn school today?"

The little boy looks up at his mother and says, "I loint my name is Irving."

KGB

The phone rings at KGB headquarters, sometime in the 1960's

"Hello?"

"Hello, is this KGB?"

"Da."

"I'm calling to report my neighbor, Hershel Yankovitz is an enemy of the State. He is hiding undeclared diamonds in his firewood."

"This will be noted."

The next day, the KGB sends their hoodlums to Hershel's tiny house. Out back, in the shed, they violently break every piece of firewood in their search for contraband. They find nothing. Angry and cursing, they leave.

Ten minutes later, the phone rings at Herchel's house.

"Hello, Hersh, did the KGB show up?"

"They just left."

"Did they chop up your firewood?"

"They certainly did."

"Good. Now it's your turn to call. My vegetable patch needs plowing."

GOYISHE JOKES

A shiksa goes into a shop and see a beautiful fur coat. "What a beautiful coat," she says to the sales clerk. "How much is it?"

"$5000."

"Fine, I'll take it."

***

A goy calls his mother and says, "Mother, I know I promised to come for dinner tonight, but something important has come up and I'm going to have to reschedule?"

His mother says: "OK."

***
Two goyim meet on the street.

The first one says, "How's business?"

The other goy says, "Great. Thanks for asking.

A Valentine to Osama

Little David comes home from first grade and tells his father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day. "Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint and we're Jewish," he asks, "will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?"

David's father thinks a bit, then says "No, I don't think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a valentine to?"

"Osama Bin Laden," David says.

"Why Osama Bin Laden," his father asks in shock.

"Well," David says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish boy could have enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and sent valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore."

His father's heart swells and he looks at his boy with newfound pride. "David, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."

"I know," David says, "and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines could blow the shit out of him."

The Golf Match

The Pope and the head rabbi of Israel have an ongoing philosophical debate as to which religion is superior. Finally they decide to settle it with a golf match.

The Pope is very nervous because not only has he never played golf, but he's never even held a golf club. This could be terrible! No way can they let the Jews win! The Pope gathers his cardinals and they brainstorm. One of the cardinals says, "Listen, I know somebody who knows Arnold Palmer. If we make him a cardinal, he can represent the Catholics. The no rabbi will ever be able to beat him." The Pope agrees it's a great idea, so they call Arnie, who agrees.

The day of the match arrives, and the Pope and the cardinals are waiting around anxiously at the Vatican for "Cardinal Palmer" to call them with the results. The phone finally rings.

"Did you beat the pants off the Jews?" asks the Pope.

"No exactly. I came in second."

"Second! How can this be?"

"I'll tell, that Rabbi Tiger Woods is some golfer!"

The Jewish Convert, Version 3

Pincus was a very religious man, but after nearly 60 years strict observance to Jewish law, he was fed up. "Esther," he tells his wife, "that's it. I've had it! No more getting up early every morning, putting on my tfillin and reciting the same prayers. I've made a decision. I'm converting to Catholicism."

"Are you crazy?" asks Esther, but Pincus is determined. He goes to a local church, discusses his intentions with the priest, and begins taking instruction. Finally, he is baptized into the Catholic faith.

The next morning, as always, he gets up early, and without thinking, puts on his tfillin and automatically starts to recite his morning prayers.

"What are you doing?" asks Esther. "I thought the whole point of becoming Catholic was so you wouldn't have to do that any more."

"Oy!" cried Pincus, smacking himself in the forehead. "Goyshe kopp!*"

*literally, gentile head. Not thinking like a Jew

Hadassah in the Afterlife

A bus loaded with 50 Hadassah ladies is on its way to a local dinner theater, when there's a terrible accident and everyone on the bus is killed. When they get to heaven, th